kitsune

My love for you will always remain, for this big heart of mine can love infinitely. I hope, no matter the circumstances, you feel that my love is still yours. I am not used to feeling like this. It hurts thinking about what I dislike. But I can't stop. It's like the dark thoughts are consuming me. It's so exhausting. I'm just another broken fucked-up girl that is unable to deal with reality. I do not deserve anyone. I do not deserve to be loved. No matter how scared I am or fear to be abandoned I deeply love you with all my heart and mind and never want to leave your side. I am so confused, I'm filled with self-hatred and I don't know what to do! Many times, for a long time I have been thinking about ways to disappear and never be found. Recently, I have been thinking about that again. Going to a place where no one knows you. You are nobody. You solely exist. You never stay at one place too long. No responsibilities whatsoever. It's just you and the freedom. A traveler with no certain destination.  

When I first saw you I thought I must be dreaming. You were like a beautiful painting that I admired from afar. That first time we talked, just the two of us, I tried avoid looking into your eyes because there lied the truth but god it was something impossible to do. I still recall the feeling you gave and how I didn't want you to leave. I'm wondering if we were ever strangers. I'm not sure we were. There was something even then, though I didn't know what.
I never thought that soulmates could possibily exist and was nothing more than a mere definition behind an old concept. And from that moment I knew that I wanted all of you. Your kisses, your warm hugs and that smile I see in your eyes and the way they light up when you get happy. I love to be with you when the sun gives way to the stars and when it returns to reignite the colors of the daytime. Feeling your soft touch on my bare skin when I wake up in the middle of the night while you pull me closer gives me a sense of affinity and I couldn't feel any more safe when I'm with you. I'm so happy to have met you, and I'm scared too. There is such joy and pain. I've never wanted any form of eternity until now, I never saw the point. So stay and don't be scared to keep holding onto my hand. Falling in love with you was like entering a house and finally realizing I'm home. When you smile at me I feel invisible hands wrapping around me, making me feel safe. When your eyes are locked on mine, it's like I can see galaxies instead of just pupils. I know you are my first but what I really wish in life is for you to be my last. Thank you for putting so much trust in me by giving me all your love, knowing your own fragility. You never leave my mind, you're always there; mentally if not physically. I keep falling in love with you and each time is harder than the last. Every time the feeling gets deeper, more complete, more bewitching. Don't ever think you have to ask for my affection because you don't, and you never did. I'm the happiest I can get when I'm with you and if not you still manage to bring the best out in me. I love breathing in your sweet cologne and resting my head on your shoulder. Thinking about being apart from you makes me feel incredibly heartbroken for you have become the air I breathe.




[I will stay as long as you love me. You will always be a part of me and I will always keep you close to my heart. Thank you so much for teaching me what love truly is and showing me the beautiful side of the world.]

I'm wondering if love at first sight truly exists.
I'm somewhat jealous of people that have never experienced love before. They're so pure and unbroken.
Why do people get togehter in the first place?
There is maybe a spark of love in the beginning. And what keeps people together? Is it still love? Or is it sex? Their character? Isn't love just a simply an illusion made up by the complex human brain? Are we lying to ourselves?

One day, and believe me it is going to come sooner than expected
that one day will arrive
where you are too old to do the things you have always desired to do
or is it just what society wants us to think
they put an invisible barrier to our dreams
there is a limit to everything
it is impossible
forget it
you will never able to do that
but the reality is
that the truth is an obvious lie
if you want to climb the Mt. Everest
then do so
if you want to travel the world
then get up, pack your things, quit your job and book a flight
but the other side of reality is
is that things are not as simple as we sometimes imagine it in our heads
surely you can go ahead and pull it off
but the question is
for how long?
can you imagine how many lost dreams are floating around among the stars in our universe?

I don't even know how to start.
This is a fucking curse. I am fucking cursed.
Now that I'm experiencing happiness I'm going through episodes of depression.
There are so many emotions. One minute I'm angry at myself for feeling this way because things shouldn't be like that an the next minute I'm asking myself why I'm filled with so much sadness when I'm supposed to be happy with everything that I have and everyone that I have in my life?
It's like I was in pain for too long and I'm not used to receiving this kind of happiness. So I hurt the ones I love. It sounds fucked up but I have the feeling that this is exactly what my subconscious wants. To hurt them so they can hurt me back. It's like I'm not me when there's no agony. A happy version of myself? We need to erase that. But of course I'm not capable of hurting my loved ones. So I just suffer in silence. Why do I feel that way? I'm happy now. I'm supposed to be.

That's the fucked up part about depression. You don't get sad over a particular thing. The sadness just hits you like a wave. Out of nothing. Unexpectedly.

No one is ever fucking listening.
Dear Mom,
you claim to care about me.
But do you just say that because it's the right thing to say?
You can't see how hurt I am.
There was not a single time in all my 20 years where you stopped and just listened.
That's all I ever fucking wanted.
Everything you and dad did was stomping me.
I could cry but there are no tears left.

Once again, I am here.