I don't even know how to start.
This is a fucking curse. I am fucking cursed.
Now that I'm experiencing happiness I'm going through episodes of depression.
There are so many emotions. One minute I'm angry at myself for feeling this way because things shouldn't be like that an the next minute I'm asking myself why I'm filled with so much sadness when I'm supposed to be happy with everything that I have and everyone that I have in my life?
It's like I was in pain for too long and I'm not used to receiving this kind of happiness. So I hurt the ones I love. It sounds fucked up but I have the feeling that this is exactly what my subconscious wants. To hurt them so they can hurt me back. It's like I'm not me when there's no agony. A happy version of myself? We need to erase that. But of course I'm not capable of hurting my loved ones. So I just suffer in silence. Why do I feel that way? I'm happy now. I'm supposed to be.

That's the fucked up part about depression. You don't get sad over a particular thing. The sadness just hits you like a wave. Out of nothing. Unexpectedly.