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kitsune

11:07 P.M.

11/10/2018

I haven't been feeling really well these past few days. I feel lonely and sad. I feel like I'm not and never will be good enough. Seeing how others are doing so well and have gotten so far in their life at the same age as me makes me profoundly sad. Seeing how my friend seems so much more beautiful to the opposite sex makes me feel down. It's not like I feel jealousy towards her, don't get me wrong. But it makes me question myself. The way I am, the way I look. Is there something wrong with me? Do I convey an impression of being repulsive? I do not know the answer to that. Today I woke up from a dream, realizing I had no plans. Realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I don't get it. I can't understand myself. I want love yet I decline any form of love that comes to me. Why? Why? What is my purpose in life? I don't care about the clothes I wear anymore. I don't care if I get to hang out with friends or not. Education. Hobbys. Let's see: You go to school, you educate yourself to get a well-paid job that makes you happy. You enter a romantic relationship because you have interest in this special person that makes your heart beat faster. You go to work to be able to afford the things needed in order to live a normal life. In your free time you read a book or do something that makes you happy. You go see your friends to catch up on things or go on adventures. This is the purpose of a normal human being. You find something that gives your life a meaning.
For me, that is not the case. I don't need anything of the things I mentioned above. So, now I am asking myself the same question again: What the heck is my purpose as an individual on this planet? Even the simplest things are hard to do. Pretending to be happy becomes more difficult by day. It's not like I want to disappear from this world but at the same time I do not possess the strength to keep on living.

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11:09 P.M.

10/13/2018

Commitment. Something that most people are afraid of. Including me. The thought of being together with a person seems so absurd to me. Thinking for both parties and not only about yourself. I'm not trying to say that I'm selfish but it's different from taking care of your little sister. It's a different kind of love. Family is and was always there. But your significant other just pops up into your life with no warning. And then the affection towards them grows like a plant in your garden. Until it's fully grown. Then the leaves are weathering. It's slowly dying. One can interpret the plant in lots of different ways. For one, it could symbolize the love between two people that is slowly dying. Or, perhaps your lover is slowly drifting apart from you.
Thinking about giving a person this much power to destroy you... it seems strange to me.
Why would you allow that?
Never in my life have I met a person who is worth to give this kind of power to.
I see people for who they really are. Maybe that's the reason why I get bored of them in a short period of time. Whenever I thought that it could be different this time, I always turned out to be wrong. And I'm slowly starting to think that I'll never meet my special person. Sex. Another thing that most of them want. They are acting the nicest they can get in order to get what they want. Isn't that really ludicrous? It almost makes me want to burst out in laughter.
The exchange of feelings in a physical way expressed through three simple letters. You want to feel connected with the person. You do it so you can figure out who you are. But you won't.
I believe in love. I love stories. I love writing. Art. My family. Nature. The golden leaves of trees in fall. But can I love a person? They gave me no reason to do so.

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10:18 P.M.

10/08/2018

Fuck, you're so fucking selfish.
Yet I don't know why I always give in to your mood swings.
As you can be the sweetest person on earth you can easily transform into the devil himself.
AND SOMETIMES YOU ARE JUST SO STUPID THAT I ASK MYSELF HOW IT IS POSSIBLE TO REACH THIS LEVEL OF STUPIDITY.
I tolerated so many things because you are my friend. And I bet it's the same for you. Sometimes I remain quite so I don't hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt them if not necessary. But you really push me to the edge at some times that it makes me want to punch a wall. I try to keep my cool but hell you make it so hard for me sometimes.
And it's because of your stupidity that we get in arguments. You will never admit that you're at fault but if there's evidence or you feel like you should. Not when you're angry though. And even then it's ME who should be angry. Why the fuck am I still friends with you? You should have never tried to befriend me. I wish I had never met you. I wish you never existed in my life in the first place.

You can be a real cruel human being. Using people as you feel like. Using them like they're a fucking tool yet you really have the guts to say that you're sick of getting hurt. Is that why you also want to hurt others? Use them like they're puppets? Act like you're not going to break their heart? You're a fucking narcissist. I told you that doing this kind of thing will only make the person who is in love with her profoundly sad but all you care about is using them to get what you want? You know what? You deserve to fucking cry. It's not my judgement to make but this is the way I think about this whole thing. As you like to say "karma will fucking get you, bitch."

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00:22 A.M.

10/07/2018

My first blog post. It's late at night. Everyone's wrapped up in their blankets, their souls are in a far away place. Everything is quiet and the sky is pitch black. I'm unable to fall asleep. My throat feels tight and it's like I forgot how to breathe. This is all due to the lack of oxygen. I spent my whole Saturday at home. When I woke up around noon, I remembered the nightmare I had. I don't have them often, so when I do have them, they leave me in a state of disturbance.
When I spend my day at home I usually try to do as many things as I can: work on a drawing, read a book, finish a show, study, work out, take care of myself, help my mom.
But the thing is that you have to fucking choose one thing at a time. You can't do everything at once. I tried. Years. But the secret behind this is that you'll end up doing those things in a half-hearted way. How are you going to put your whole passion into it if you're already thinking about the next task? You have to be there, your body has to be present.
Since the result leads to you finishing your tasks half-done it makes you feel useless. As if you failed to be productive. And this goes on for days and days. Weeks for weeks. Months for months.
But it's fine. What's important is the realization that you were stuck in a vicious circle and the resolution that you have to change that.

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An individual that is trying to find out how life works.

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