I haven't been feeling really well these past few days. I feel lonely and sad. I feel like I'm not and never will be good enough. Seeing how others are doing so well and have gotten so far in their life at the same age as me makes me profoundly sad. Seeing how my friend seems so much more beautiful to the opposite sex makes me feel down. It's not like I feel jealousy towards her, don't get me wrong. But it makes me question myself. The way I am, the way I look. Is there something wrong with me? Do I convey an impression of being repulsive? I do not know the answer to that. Today I woke up from a dream, realizing I had no plans. Realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I don't get it. I can't understand myself. I want love yet I decline any form of love that comes to me. Why? Why? What is my purpose in life? I don't care about the clothes I wear anymore. I don't care if I get to hang out with friends or not. Education. Hobbys. Let's see: You go to school, you educate yourself to get a well-paid job that makes you happy. You enter a romantic relationship because you have interest in this special person that makes your heart beat faster. You go to work to be able to afford the things needed in order to live a normal life. In your free time you read a book or do something that makes you happy. You go see your friends to catch up on things or go on adventures. This is the purpose of a normal human being. You find something that gives your life a meaning.
For me, that is not the case. I don't need anything of the things I mentioned above. So, now I am asking myself the same question again: What the heck is my purpose as an individual on this planet? Even the simplest things are hard to do. Pretending to be happy becomes more difficult by day. It's not like I want to disappear from this world but at the same time I do not possess the strength to keep on living.
For me, that is not the case. I don't need anything of the things I mentioned above. So, now I am asking myself the same question again: What the heck is my purpose as an individual on this planet? Even the simplest things are hard to do. Pretending to be happy becomes more difficult by day. It's not like I want to disappear from this world but at the same time I do not possess the strength to keep on living.