kitsune

I'm wondering if love at first sight truly exists.
I'm somewhat jealous of people that have never experienced love before. They're so pure and unbroken.
Why do people get togehter in the first place?
There is maybe a spark of love in the beginning. And what keeps people together? Is it still love? Or is it sex? Their character? Isn't love just a simply an illusion made up by the complex human brain? Are we lying to ourselves?

One day, and believe me it is going to come sooner than expected
that one day will arrive
where you are too old to do the things you have always desired to do
or is it just what society wants us to think
they put an invisible barrier to our dreams
there is a limit to everything
it is impossible
forget it
you will never able to do that
but the reality is
that the truth is an obvious lie
if you want to climb the Mt. Everest
then do so
if you want to travel the world
then get up, pack your things, quit your job and book a flight
but the other side of reality is
is that things are not as simple as we sometimes imagine it in our heads
surely you can go ahead and pull it off
but the question is
for how long?
can you imagine how many lost dreams are floating around among the stars in our universe?

I don't even know how to start.
This is a fucking curse. I am fucking cursed.
Now that I'm experiencing happiness I'm going through episodes of depression.
There are so many emotions. One minute I'm angry at myself for feeling this way because things shouldn't be like that an the next minute I'm asking myself why I'm filled with so much sadness when I'm supposed to be happy with everything that I have and everyone that I have in my life?
It's like I was in pain for too long and I'm not used to receiving this kind of happiness. So I hurt the ones I love. It sounds fucked up but I have the feeling that this is exactly what my subconscious wants. To hurt them so they can hurt me back. It's like I'm not me when there's no agony. A happy version of myself? We need to erase that. But of course I'm not capable of hurting my loved ones. So I just suffer in silence. Why do I feel that way? I'm happy now. I'm supposed to be.

That's the fucked up part about depression. You don't get sad over a particular thing. The sadness just hits you like a wave. Out of nothing. Unexpectedly.

No one is ever fucking listening.
Dear Mom,
you claim to care about me.
But do you just say that because it's the right thing to say?
You can't see how hurt I am.
There was not a single time in all my 20 years where you stopped and just listened.
That's all I ever fucking wanted.
Everything you and dad did was stomping me.
I could cry but there are no tears left.

Once again, I am here.

The thing about writing is, that you are only able to do so when you're going through something. It's the despair written in words.
I am beyond furious that some people you meet throughout your life are nothing more than just manipulative assholes that use you as a tool to get what they want.
They talk you into things you wouldn't normally do but after hearing them speak about a particular matter over and over again you eventually give in. Because why not, right?
And I truly hate myself for being the person who gave in.
Never in my life will I ever give in again. EVER.
You are your own person and can make your own decisions without having to give away a part of your precious self because some dork thinks he has the power to control you. Wrong.
I always tried to please the other person without realizing that it's eating me up from the inside. In the back of my head I was always thinking about the other person I was associated with at the time and always had their interest in mind. The thing is, that the particular person had ill intentions in mind and while you're in the process of realizing what's happening at the very moment a sudden feeling of hate towards that individual slowly rises on the surface. And you know what? You can't do shit about it. All you can do is let your feelings out in whatever form you like. But you want to do so much more than that.

Today was beautiful.
It was almost dreamlike.
I felt wind against my skin and the warm sun in my face.
I closed my eyes, tilting my head towards the sky, enjoying this very moment.
Winter lasted too long and now that it's gone I am realizing how much I have missed and longed for this.
I want to feel alive. I am trying to change. Let go of my bad habits. Become a better person. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am the player in my own life.
I can get up if I fall down. Life will always be tough. I am a warrior. I can fight against anything and anyone and especially fight for the ones I love.
Today felt like a beautiful, long lost memory.
I have missed feeling like this.

It's getting worse everyday.
I don't know how to cure myself, how to make the things I'm feeling disappear.
I feel so alone with these horrible emotions.
I feel like a reject.
Whenever I talk it's like my own soul is floating around watching my physical body.
That sounds even weirder when you write it down.
This here is my safe haven.
I'm surrounded by people yet I feel so alone.
I'm such a brat aren't I?
I'm supposed to be happy!
It's becoming more and more difficult for me to put up an act. I want to isolate myself from everything. I want to vanish. I can't take it anymore. It's getting too hard for me to bear.

Tell me more about love. I want to know how it feels like, I want to experience it too. I'm jealous of people that have felt love before. And by that, I mean a certain type of love. How does it feel like to know that someone cares so much about you to the point that they can't take the thought of you not being near them and returning the same thing in exchange?
Fucking someone is easy. Loving someone is the difficult part. Staying with them and being ready to commit yourself to one person is even harder. 
I want to wake up next to the person I love. I want to admire their beautiful face that is being illuminated by the morning sun. I want to be the first person they smile at when they open their eyes and realize they have been stared at while being asleep.
I want to hear the beautiful sound of their laughter. Not being able to have that makes me extremely sad.
I can't help but feel like this is exactly what's missing in my life. It's one of the many puzzle pieces that belongs to me. That makes me whole. 
I know what you're thinking.
A person doesn't complete because you're already your own person. 
Yes, you are! But the thought of having someone you deeply love by your side is fucking irresistible. It makes living easier. You have something to look forward to. No matter how fucked up everything is, they manage to put a smile on your face and make you feel secure. Like you're on top of the world.
So don't fucking tell me, that this is not something you don't want.
But the truth is, I will never know how it feels like to be loved by someone you admire. 
It will always be one-sided.
It's always been like that.
Why would it change?
Don't tell me I'm pretty because apparently being pretty doesn't seem to be enough.
I'm never enough.
I never will be enough.